Wednesday, June 9, 2010

FAQ sheet for Triplets

I'll bite on the "Question of the Week" this week. The most memorable occasion of being stopped in public actually came when I only had two babies, instead of three. It was during the two weeks between when Brenden and Caitlin came home, and when Tamara was finally able to come home. Brian and I had gone shopping at Kmart with the babies. We took the triplet stroller, but since we were short one baby we left the middle seat off so we could put our purchase there instead, like a shopping cart.

A gawker approached us during our trip. "Oh how cute! Are they twins?"

"No, they're triplets," we said.

I kid you not, this woman LOOKED UNDERNEATH THE STROLLER for the third baby before we had a chance to explain that the third was in the hospital.

So with that, I bring you my Frequently Asked Questions list:

These are all real, live questions from real, live people, most of them asked at least once every day. In case you can't tell, they are really starting to get on our nerves. We would definitely recommend not saying any of the following to any triplets/parents you may meet:

Are they twins?
No. (Where does this question come from? People who can't count?)

I bet you have your hands full!
I bet you think you're original, don't you?

Do you really have three babies in that stroller?
No. It's only two babies and a doll. I'm psychotic and just think they're three babies.

Are they all yours?
Nope, I'm just masochistic, I like taking lots of babies everywhere I go.

Are all three triplets?
No. I get my kicks off of dressing up other people's children like my own.

I've never seen triplets before!
Neither have I.

I've never seen a triplet stroller before!
Neither have I.

Are they all different sexes?
Yes, that's right, we have one boy, one girl, and one alien.

Are they all boys?
Yup. We really wanted some girls, though, so we dress a couple in pink hoping they'll change their minds.

Two boys and a girl?
That's right, two drag queens and one bull dyke.

Nobody ever asks us if they're all girls, though, or even two girls and a boy. Feel free to if you see us.

How do you manage?
I'm not sure. My memory is pretty fuzzy right now. Could you pass me another drink? I need to take my medication now.

Did you know you were going to have triplets?
1st Answer:

Nope. My weight gain and size had the doctors completely mystified, and the ultrasound didn't show a darn thing. They never could figure out which lump was the head.
2nd Answer:
Yup. We had this planned from the beginning. We went to the doc and said, "Ok, we want to have three babies at once. Don't mind the leather and chains; we're into sado-masochism."

Do triplets run in your family?
They do now.

Were you on drugs?
Not before, but I sure do need them now. What have you got on you?

Were you on fertility drugs?
Do you want the long answer or the short one? Because by asking the question, you don't seem to understand the true risks involved in fertility treatment. In fact, yes, I was on fertility drugs. It was the lowest-level, least effective "fertility" drug on the market. I was also given a less than 5% chance of having twins. Triplets were never mentioned. If you think I should have been expecting this, think again. And how were your children conceived?

Do they all sleep at the same time?
This question made a little more sense the first year; after 16 months or so it started to seem a little insane. If they weren't sleeping together at some point, they would need to have some serious health problems.

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